Last time my musings were about how the making of my bed was the beginning of a thought transformation for me. This post is how this reorganization of my thought process has changed me as a submissive. And I would like to start with how D/s has changed my views on my sexuality.
Before we began our D/s relationship, My Sir and I had a great marriage and, what I would consider to be, an OK sex life. We would have sex about once a week, with the majority of the sessions consisting of ‘minuteman’. Minuteman is where My Sir would do the deed as quickly as possible. This was not something that suited My Sir, it was all about me, I just wanted to be done as quickly as possible so I could get on with whatever I was doing, or just get to sleep. About once a month we would have a serious bout of lovemaking, but only when it suited me. Where I got the idea that sex was about what was convenient for me, or only about what I wanted, I am really not sure. My Sir and I have discussed this several times over that past year and what I have been able to understand about myself and how my environment helped to shape my view on sex has been interesting.
My mother and father separated when I was four and finalized their divorce when I was about seven. They never should have married, but at the time I was conceived it was seen as the ‘right thing to do’ when one discovered they were unexpectedly pregnant. My father was not a one woman man and my mother is a one man woman. I do not remember much from my early childhood, I just know that I never saw my parents affectionate. When my mother met and married the man I call ‘Dad’ I was about ten years old. He is a great man, and I am so thankful my mom found him. The thing that was still missing, from my standpoint, was public intimacy. I know they have always loved each other, they just did not choose to be very affectionate outside of the bedroom. So, I did not grow up with sexuality in the forefront of my life. I did have ‘normal’ sexual drives/desires growing up, I just did not see much intimacy in my home life.
Alongside my home life, there were the times in which I was growing up; the age of feminism. Women being equal; I am all about. If a woman does the same job as a man, she should be paid the same. If a woman wants to be in a career field that is typically seen as male, she should be allowed to. Women should not be held back because our balls are on our chest instead of between our legs. Each person in this world should be judged based on merits that have nothing to do with our body parts. This, I am all about! What I am not about, is women are better than men or men are better than women. No one is ‘better’ than anyone else. How this relates back to my sexuality is this: I developed a sense that no one else could ever have dominion over me and my body unless I gave up that right. This was a great attitude to have when I was a single woman not attached to someone who would love me and care for me. What I did not do when My Sir and I married, was reevaluate this mindset and alter it to include this important person. So, my sexual mindset for the first 21 years of our marriage, was immensely flawed.
Now, I did not wake up one day and realize that my sexual thinking may be skewed. What happed at year 21 of our marriage was My Sir’s last deployment to Southwest Asia. My Sir was in the military and had been for the entirety of our marriage. We met while we were both in the military. The military life was all we had known! Before this last deployment he had been gone for varying time lengths many times. Not sure what was different about this separation, but somewhere in the six months he was gone I began to open up, and we had some really great conversations about our sex life. For the first time in our marriage we actually talked about each others expectations, needs, wants, desires, and real reasons why we did or did not have sex. Do not get me wrong, we had indulged in long distance phone and email sex during previous times he was away, but this time was not about gratifying an instant need. This time it was about finding ways to connect through sex when we were together. When he came home our sex life was better, just still not where we both wanted it to be. Actually, minuteman was conceived at this time as a way for My Sir to have more of what he wanted (penetration sex) and me to be able to provide that for him without feeling like I had to do too much…still about me, but getting better for him. I was making progress.
We went along like this for about three years. We were happier in with our sex life. We had made real progress by being able to communicate what our needs were to each other. One night, when we were on a weekend getaway, we were engaged some pretty energetic lovemaking and, very unexpectedly and enjoyably, My Sir spanked me. Hmmm…I had not known that I would enjoy that at all, let alone as much as I did! Not much communication needed for My Sir to see that I liked that and would welcome more of that in the future, so spanking was instantly added to the repertoire. For the next two and a half years we began to have a bit more fun in the bedroom, mostly with spanking, and then last year things took a very right turn. I read a book…yes, I read Fifty Shades…ugh, why do I feel like I am admitting to stealing candy from a child or tripping an elderly person with a walker??? I held out reading the series because of the extreme popularity and all the associated hoopla. Sounds counterintuitive, I know, but if a book or series is too popular I, usually, do not read it because I want to read something because it is interesting, not because everyone else is reading it too. Well, just in case you are wondering, I also, finally, caved into the Thrones series, too. Anyway, I digress…The relationship portrayed in Fifty is, in my opinion, way to controlling; but hey, its fiction, but the D/s aspect of the storyline was very interesting to me. So, I started to investigate, and here we are!
Now, the bed. Since reading Missy’s posts on rules and instituting my schedule I have noticed a slight shift in our D/s relationship. We seem to be a bit more settled in our roles/relationship. When we began D/s, one of our hard fast rules is that I am not allowed to tell My Sir no, unless I have a rock solid reason to (so far, none has arisen). This was so sexually freeing for me that I became this ever horny person I never knew I was. At first, we would have sex everyday, multiple times (making up for lost time, I suppose). As time progressed we slowed some, and then I noticed that even though I was putting off the definite ready for/want sex vibes, sometimes we did not engage…hmmm…what was wrong? Did he not want me, was he tired of me, was I not turning him on, blah, blah, blah. See anything familiar? Once again, I was making it about me. Old habits die hard. One thing we put into my schedule was a time for us to meet once a week to discuss all things us. We can use this time to discuss anything…house, kids, appointments, work, and, of course, all things D/s. We do this on Wednesday nights and we call it (appropriately) D/s time. We even posted it to our shared family iCalendar so everyone knows that mom and dad have set this time aside to spend with each other (I think I have shared that our first names begin with a D and an S, so it was really simple to explain away the abbreviation to the kiddos). We have discussed my feelings on not feeling wanted/needed sexually and My Sir has kindly reminded me that sex is no longer on my time, but his. He will institute sex when he has a need/desire for it. He also made it clear to me that he is able to read my body and he is fully aware of when I am exhibiting an excessive amount of randy-ness, which also figures into his calculations for when sex will occur. So, not quite shoe-on-the-other-foot for me, but his words gave me a opportunity to really think about how much D/s has given me a chance to view life from a new perspective.
Long story, not so short…I appreciate our sessions more than I ever have in our 28 years of marriage. Sex is not something to be tolerated as one part of our relationship that keeps us together. Sex IS an important part of what bonds us together. It does not matter if we are engaged in a full on scene with all the toys in play or enjoying something a bit more vanilla; sex is not just something in our marriage, it is a part of us that we share with one another, something that no one else is part of. Our sexual relationship is important and my submission to My Sir is how I show him that I trust, care, and love him more today than I did yesterday. He knows that no matter what is going on in a moment, I would put everything down and do/be whatever it is that he wants/needs me to be for him.
Now that you have read about how this submissive was ‘made’, please read my next post: The Remaking of My Life.